Transit
by engauss
Summary: Jacob/Bella POV Takes place seven years after Breaking Dawn, when Renesmee has finally reached maturity. Jacob is finding it difficult to make the transition from father figure to lover. Some feelings from his past are standing in the way...
1. Part 1 Chapter 1

_**My first fanfic... will be adding more chapters soon! Let me know what you think of the idea. :)**_

**Part 1 – Jacob Black**  
Chapter 1

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Come on, Jake, you can't do this to her, or yourself. It's the best thing for both of you. You can make it happen, just freaking force it to happen!

There she was, sitting across from me at the Cullen's rarely used dining room table, politely eating a slice of the disgustingly pink birthday cake Charlie had brought over for her 7th birthday. She giggled at something Emmett had said, and it was the lightest and sweetest sound I had ever heard. The bronze curls that hung around her pink shiny cheeks all the way down to her elbows swung slightly as her shoulders shook with laughter.

"Gosh, kiddo, you're growing up too fast," Charlie beamed at his granddaughter from one end of the table. "Seven years old and you're already taller than your mother." He chuckled nervously at his joke, though Bella ignored it. Charlie still preferred to remain in the dark when it came to all the vampire and werewolf business, so he didn't ask and we didn't tell. The rate at which Renesmee grew up was still a mystery to him, but at least he didn't seem too phased anymore.

Renesmee's cheeks turned a gorgeous shade of magenta, even brighter than the cake. She smiled sweetly and ate the last bite of her cake. She was never much of a talker. Not out loud, at least.

Today was the day everything was supposed to fall into place. The day on which she was officially and completely fully matured, all grown up. The day I had been waiting for for what felt like a century. There I was, sitting across from her, unable to pull my eyes away from her perfection, loving her just as much if not more than I did that very first day I had seen her.

And yet I just couldn't freaking make it happen.

Then she turned to face forward, her eyes looking up to meet mine. I felt my stomach spasm. Those big amazing brown eyes, the color of milk chocolate. The eyes that used to belong to....

Oh, shit.

"Jake, you ok?" Bella's voice was the first to reach my brain since I had sat down at the table fifteen minutes before that. I tore my own eyes away from Nessie's and realized that there were thirteen other pairs gazing at me.

"Yeah," I managed to choke out. "Yeah." I felt my head bobbing up and down on my neck long after the attention had been turned away from me and back to whatever the topic of conversation had been. I reached up, fork still in one hand, and folded my arms behind my head to hold it steady.

In my peripheral vision, I saw that Leah was smirking in my direction. I closed my eyes and dropped my arms to my sides, fighting back the urge to jab my fork into her leg. Yeah, sure, we had become pretty good friends over the past few years, but in this very moment she had no clue in hell what I was going through. I knew she was jumping to conclusions that couldn't be further from the truth, and I hated her for it.

Just then, she leaned over so that her chin rested on my right shoulder and her mouth was less than an inch away from my ear. "Jacob, is it really that hard to keep it in your pants at least long enough for Nessie to celebrate and enjoy a little cake with her grandpa?" Oh gee golly, so sweet of her to lower her voice so that Charlie, Billy, and Sue wouldn't hear. The eight vampires, on the other hand, had no trouble whatsoever.

I tightened my grip on my fork.

I opened my eyes to find Blondie wrinkling her nose a little in disgust but mostly everyone going about the conversation as usual, pretending as if nothing had happened—mostly everyone. Two vampires were looking at me with very different expressions.

Bella was glaring. Of course she was glaring. As far as she knew, the creepy wolf boy who was her best friend could hardly wait for Charlie to finish his cake and leave so that her poor, innocent, 7-year-old, fully matured daughter would be available for a little fun in the doghouse. Ugh.

But then there was Edward. Edward was wearing the expression I hadn't seen on him for more than seven years. The expression of a man burning at the stake, his eyes full of the searing agony. It wasn't in response to Leah's comment, of course not—it was because of me. Because of what had been running through my head over and over since I had woken up that morning. He could hear it. There was no way I could shut it out of my thoughts, it was impossible. It wasn't something I could control.

_I'm sorry, I just can't._ That was all I could offer him. I had nothing else to give.

He looked down at the table and gave a small quick nod. When he looked up again to rejoin the conversation, I could still see the blaze in his eyes. There was a sharp pang of guilt in my chest. Of course Nessie wouldn't be the only one who got hurt. It would hurt me, Edward, Charlie, Alice, anyone else who loved her…

It would hurt Bella.

Oh, Jesus. It would hurt Bella worst of all. And that would completely defeat the purpose. The reason for all of this would just come back and bite me in the ass. Whatever happened to the answer to all of life's problems and questions? I thought I was done with this shit. This isn't supposed to happen. This is the one thing in my life I could be sure about, the one part that I could be _positive _wouldn't backfire.

And now, here it is, backfiring all the freaking way.

I felt someone's foot nudge mine under the table. I looked forward and saw Nessie gazing at me curiously. My mouth twisted into what I hoped was a smile, but she didn't buy it. Her brows slanted upward with worry and her perfect cherry lips rounded into a pout. It broke my heart. At that moment all I wanted to do was climb over the table and take her into my arms and tell her everything would be alright. Everything was going to work out, because it had to. It was fate. It was meant to be for us.

But I couldn't bring myself to lie to her like that. I loved her too much.

… But I wasn't _in_ love with her.

I was in love with Bella.


	2. Part 1 Chapter 2

_**Sorry for such short chapters so far... it's been a busy week, I promise they'll get longer!**_

**Part 1 – Jacob Black**  
Chapter 2

_Jake, you have to go back inside sometime. _Seth's thoughts burst into my own as soon as I was past the driveway.

_Go home, Seth. I'll go back in a little while. _The green forest continued to flash by in Seth's thoughts. He was still following me.

_Come on, Jake, you gotta tell me what's wrong. Maybe I can help._

_You can't. _I was throwing all the energy I had into keeping certain thoughts out of my head until I had my privacy back. But I knew I couldn't hold out much longer…

_Then don't. It's me, Jacob. What can't you tell me?_

I focused all my attention on the wet mossy forest floor blurring past under my paws. Finally, the trees in Seth's thoughts came into focus and he turned around to head home.

_Alright, Jake. I guess I'll talk to you about it later. Head home soon…_

And then he was gone. The dam burst, and all the thoughts and feelings came flooding back into my head.

Bella. I love Bella. I'm in love with Bella. Oh, _shit. _I'm in love with Bella and I'm not in love with Nessie. Nessie, the reason for my existence. What do you do when the one thing you're supposed to live for is suddenly just not enough? I've spent the past seven years teaching Nessie, watching her grow, playing with her, protecting her, raising her. I raised her like she was my own, like she was my freaking daughter! And now, after seven years, how I am supposed to just change everything? It's wrong. It's unfair and unreasonable and impossible and _wrong_. I can't do it. No one should be expected to feel those kinds of feelings for their daughter… I won't do it.

Oh god, but she's my everything… her life is more important to me than my own. I would give everything I have to make her happy. Everything…

I would give my own happiness to make her happy.

There it was, plain and simple. That was it. I would be miserable, but she would be happy, so it was all worth it. I slowed to a stop and turned around to head back to the Cullen's.

***

Before I could reach the front door, Renesmee's face peaked out from behind the curtains in the hall window. By the time I reached the first step, she was out the door, silently taking my hand and leading me around the side of the house. I followed obediently, gazing at our joined hands. Hers was so small, like a child's. There was something perfect about the way it fit into mine just right, like they were made to fit that way. Like two pieces of a puzzle. And if you tried to fit a different piece in, you just ended up distorting and ruining both of the pieces. And that third piece, the one that was thrown to the side, would never find another piece that fit. She would be alone.

Nessie guided me into the trees and didn't stop until we were completely surrounded by forest. She dropped my hand and took two more steps away, then turned around to face me.

"Jacob, I know something's wrong," she said. It was clear and strong, but barely more than a whisper. "I wish you would tell me." The corners of her lips turned up into a small trembling smile, but the crease of her forehead and the pain in her eyes was too much for me. I caused that pain.

"Nessie," I stumbled forward and pulled her into my arms, stroking her hair. "Nessie… of course not. I've never been happier." The lie poured from my mouth like acid, leaving my throat burning and raw. It was almost impossible to stand, but I couldn't live with myself knowing I was the source of her pain. I tightened my grip on her. Her shoulders relaxed and she let her body slump against mine.

She reached one tiny, child-sized hand up and placed two fingers against the hollow of my neck. Immediately her thoughts flooded into my brain.

She didn't believe me. Of course she didn't believe me, I didn't believe me either. It's hard to be convincing of something that is as far from the truth as this is. She didn't believe me, but she wasn't upset with me. She trusted me. She trusted that I would work everything out and she trusted that I would tell her what I thought she should know.

She trusted me.

I quickly took her hand and pulled it away from my neck, dropping it at her side. I couldn't take it. She had so much faith in me, and I just couldn't stand hearing about it when I didn't deserve it. She pulled away slightly so she could study my expression. I stared right back, looking directly into her eyes, going for the I'll-say-it-without-blinking-so-you-know-I'm-not-lying look.

Bad idea.

How could I look into her eyes and not think about Bella? I immediately reverted my eyes to her left ear. Damn it.

"It's ok, Jacob." She placed both hands on my chest and gently pushed away. "We'll talk about it later, let's just go back to the house. Your dad was wondering where you were." Her expression was unreadable as she walked past me and started back toward the house. I followed two steps behind her.

"I love you, Jake," she said without looking back, almost as if to herself. "My Jake."


	3. Part 1 Chapter 3

_**Thanks for the reviews! Keep it up :)**_

**Part 1 – Jacob Black**  
Chapter 3

Walking into the Cullen's living room was like walking through the doors of a hospital waiting room. All eyes immediately turned to us and no one said a word. Each face wore a different expression. Leah was smirking, Bella was glaring, Emmett was grinning, Blondie was disgusted…

And Edward was still the burning man. What was his problem? I made up my mind, I wasn't going to hurt Nessie like that. He had to know that, so why was he still so upset? He looked down and I could see his head just barely shaking side to side, like he was trying to get rid of a bad thought.

Charlie, who was completely oblivious, stood up and glanced toward the door. "Well, it's getting late, I don't want to overstay our welcome."

"Nonsense," Carlisle said, smiling and rising from his chair. "You're always welcome in this house."

While everyone was saying their goodbyes, I maneuvered through the oddly assorted group until I found my father waiting near the door. "Hey, Dad, I think I'm gonna hang around here tonight."

"All right," Billy said, shifting awkwardly in his chair. "Just… be smart, son."

Ugh.

"Dad..." I didn't want to have this conversation. I didn't even want to _think _about this conversation. I still hadn't come to terms with what I had to do, so how was I supposed to just stand here and drool while my dad told me what brand of condoms to buy?

"Jacob, I know that you're technically 23 years old and perfectly capable of making these kinds of decisions on your own. I just think you should—"

"_Dad."_

"Okay, okay, sorry. I'll see you tomorrow," he said, turning his chair around so I wouldn't see the smile that was already beginning to form.

Charlie rolled Billy out the door, followed by Sue, Leah, and Seth. Sue and Charlie had gotten married three years ago, so all the Clearwaters had since moved into the Swan household. Who would have thought that, one day, a werewolf and a vampire would become siblings?

Or that a werewolf and half-vampire would…

I shuddered. Jesus, it was going to be a long night.

The Swans' green minivan pulled out of the driveway, and we all stood on the porch, waving, watching it disappear through the trees. At that point, mostly everyone turned back to go inside, except for Nessie, Bella, Edward, and me. One big happy family. The parents, the daughter, and her future husband, who also happened to be in love with his mother-in-law, who would murder him if she knew, because he was hurting the single most important person in both of their lives.

It took me a few seconds to realize that no one was speaking. Then I felt a cold, hard hand on my shoulder, and Edward's cool voice pierced the silence. "Jacob, would you join me on a walk?" It came out completely casual and nonchalant, but the request couldn't have been more out of the ordinary. I turned around to take in his expression, but it was completely blank. Crap, what did he want with me? He was going to take me into the trees and rip me to shreds for ruining his daughter's life. But I wouldn't struggle, because it was what I deserved. Buddy, I'm all yours.

If Edward hadn't been so focused on keeping his face completely vacant of any emotion, I swear to God he would have been laughing.

_Jerk._

The corners of his mouth twitched. I turned to face Renesmee and Bella. Charlie was right, Nessie had grown nearly four inches taller than her mother. Little Bella. Looking down at the two of them standing together, I couldn't help but smile.

"Stop it, Jacob." Bella growled.

"Jeez! Stop what?"

"Stop picturing her naked."

I almost choked.

"Come on, Renesmee, before the dog rips your clothes off right here on the front porch." She grabbed her daughter's hand and pulled her into the house. I barely caught Nessie's lips mouth the word "sorry" before the door slammed shut.

"You must forgive her," Edward said. "Most parents have at least a decade to become accustomed to the fact that boys will think such thoughts about their daughter."

"But I don't—"

"I know, Jacob, there's no need to persuade me. I know..." His eyes shut tight and he covered his face with both hands.

"I'm… sorry. I'm doing the best I can, Edward, I really am. But you can tell Bella that right now she doesn't have to worry about Nessie—"

I heard his teeth snap together and watched his hands curl into fists. He dropped them down to his sides, shoving them in his pockets. "Not now, Jacob," he muttered, opening his eyes and brushing past me down the steps. Before I could even think of how I was supposed to react, he was halfway down the driveway, suddenly stopping and turning to face me. "Will you be joining me?" Oh. Right. We were taking a walk. Got it.

I trotted down the steps and to his side, and we ran into the forest without speaking. We ran and ran and ran and ran. "Jesus, you guys have good ears," I said after about fifteen minutes of silence.

"I just want to be completely assured that no one will overhear us." He spoke so low that I had to strain to hear him over the sound of the forest rushing past in my ears. Finally, we slowed to a stop and he abruptly turned to look me straight in the eye. "Jacob, you need to tell her."

I blinked and stared at him for about ten seconds. "Huh?" I need to tell what to who? I need to tell Nessie that I'm in love with her mother? I need to tell Bella that I'm not in love with her daughter? I need to tell Blondie that overhearing her in the bedroom with Emmett makes me want to vomit? All three could potentially lead to attempted murder.

"Jacob, please." His face screwed up in frustration. Or pain. The burning man… I could almost see the fire reflected in his eyes before he shut them. "Bella. You need to tell Bella." If I weren't able to see him, I wouldn't have any clue what he was talking about. His voice was completely smooth, like glass, without a hint of hesitation—just as confident as he always seemed. But his face gave him away. Each of his features was distorted, so that they seemed to belong to someone entirely different. To a man who didn't live such a happy life, who didn't have such a wonderful family, who wasn't loved by the most incredible woman he would ever find on Earth…

And then it clicked.

The tiniest flicker of hope burbled in my chest.

No._ Impossible._

"It's not impossible, Jacob," he said, still sounding so secure and self-assured, almost smug. "It's not impossible at all. She loved you once before, so what could possibly stop her from loving you now?"

The flicker of hope sparked.

"When Renesmee was born, you were so obsessed with her that you completely forgot about your love for Bella. That was the only reason she was able to get over you."

The kindling lit and the flicker became a flame.

"But now that you've realized that it's so difficult to think of Nessie as anything but a daughter, you've also realized that you've never actually stopped loving Bella. And I believe that she deserves to know this." His overconfident voice finally made sense to me.

He was trying to be stoic.

"Shit." It was the only thing that came to mind for a few minutes. "Shit… shit."

Edward stood completely still, his eyes still shut tight and his features still belonging to someone else, some stranger.

"Shit."

"Yes, you said that already," he murmured, rubbing his eyes.

"Shit…" Once more. "Shit. Edward, I don't know what to say."

"You don't need to say anything to me."

"No, I mean, I know, but I didn't even think about this part of the whole thing. Honest, swear to God… I mean, you would know. But still, you have to believe me when I tell you that I had no intention of trying to get Bella to fall in love with me again. The only thing I was focusing on was not hurting Nessie. I made up my mind and I chose Nessie! The thought that Bella might actually still love me never once crossed my mind. You believe me, don't you?"

It was all true. Every single word. _Listen to my thoughts all you want._

"But it's irrelevant," he said, standing there, staring right at me, looking so tired and defeated. "I believe you, but it's irrelevant. It doesn't change the fact that you must tell her."

"But I don't want to! It _is _relevant, because I don't want to tell her! It's not worth it, there are too many consequences. I'm just going to make it work with Nessie. I'd much rather sit here and suffer through watching Bella love someone else than have to deal with all the consequences. I can't handle it."

"But what about Bella?" he growled. "Doesn't she get a say in this? What if she's happier with you? Wouldn't you want Bella to be happy?"

Jesus. Of course I want Bella to be happy…

But she's already happy.

"She might be happier with you, though," he whispered. His eyes were no longer crazed with torture, they were weary and empty with resignation.

I stood there, unable to move, so angry and confused and torn apart. Okay, so it was possible that there was a small chance that Bella would be happier with me, but if she was already so happy, why risk it? There were too many consequences, too many downfalls. Too many people who would get hurt. It was a stupid idea. Idiotic.

_I won't do it. I don't understand why you're fighting this so much. You have her. You get to keep her. You win._

The fire reared in his eyes and the flames engulfed him.

I turned around before he could stop me and started heading back to the house.


	4. Part 1 Chapter 4

_**Ok guys, sorry sorry sorry it's taking me so long to update! I'm finishing up the school semester and working full time and getting ready to move all at the same time, so it's hard to find time to write. Keep up the reviews though, they help a lot. :) Hope you guys like this one!**_

**Part 1 – Jacob Black  
Chapter 4**

No.

I can't do it.

No no no no no.

Why would I do it?

I wouldn't. I can't. I won't. It's moronic. Completely ridiculous. I refuse. Absolutely not.

… But what if she loves me too?

NO.

Snap out of it, Jacob.

Of course she doesn't, you already know that. It's old news. She loves Edward. She has always loved Edward, and no matter how much she ever loved you, she always loved Edward more.

She always has and will love Edward more than you.

God _damn _it. Admitting that was like pulling a knife out of my chest. The whole time I had been in love with Bella, I never once allowed myself to give in to the realization that she could never love me more than she loved him. I was too confident and cocky and proud to even admit it to myself. I really honestly believed that one day I would be able to win her over. I refused to give up. When she chose Edward… that right there was the knife going into my chest. I chose to ignore it. Then she married Edward, which is when she grabbed the handle of the knife and twisted it around and around, over and over, leaving a big gaping hole. I could have gone to the ER and gotten it all stitched up so it was almost as good as new, but I refused. It didn't kill me, so it must have made me stronger, right?

And then Renesmee happened.

The brightest, most incredible thing that had ever happened to me. I was so stupid and caught up in the moment that I completely forgot about the knife sticking out of my chest. I didn't acknowledge it for seven years.

And now, just now, in that moment, in just a matter of a few seconds, I pulled the knife out. Whether it was intentional or by accident, I finally allowed myself to surrender to the idea that Bella would never love me like she loves Edward. The knife was gone.

But it left a hole in its place. A hole that wouldn't stop bleeding. A hole that I didn't know how to fix. It was too wide after all this time to just stitch it back up. My body had grown around the dagger, and now I didn't know how to function without it. My chest was open and I was exposed.

* * *

By the time I got back to the house, it was almost completely dark out. The sky had been a thick flat wall of gray for the past three days, so whatever was left of the sun at 7 'o clock on a September evening was completely blocked out by clouds.

Looking through the front window I could see Bella, Nessie and Alice watching TV. Alice joked about something on the show and Bella laughed her musical little laugh that sounded like tinkling bells. Nessie smiled the same smile that you see on those porcelain angel figurines. The two most beautiful women I had ever seen and they both loved me.

_Shut up, Jacob, you don't know that for sure and you're never gonna find out._

Shit, there's something wrong with me. I'm arguing with myself… that has got to mean I'm going crazy. I'm so screwed up I can't even be on my own damn side.

I stood there watching Alice and Bella have a heated discussion about who would win in a fight between Sue and Renee. Nessie was giggling, and her cheeks were flushed pink from the laughter. That was one of the things I missed most about Bella's human self. That and the eyes. But I had to admit, Vampire Bella was nothing to complain about…

I was starting to feel creepy so I moved away from the window and headed for the front door. I reached for the doorknob and stopped. _Wait, what am I going to do? _I had been so preoccupied with the Bella thing that I hadn't once stopped to think about how I was going to work this whole thing out. I didn't have a game plan. _You can't turn back now, they already heard you. They know you're here. _I looked over my shoulder and saw Edward barreling out of the trees. Shit. I opened the door and jumped inside, slamming it shut behind me.

"Jake, what's wrong?" Nessie's worried eyes peeked up over the back of the sofa. Alice and Bella were both staring at me.

"Uh…" I froze. Come on, Jake. "Nothing. Just getting away from… mosquitoes."

"Sure they weren't fleas?" Blondie mumbled, breezing down the stairs.

"Can't say for sure, to tell you the truth," I said, turning to face her. "Around here you never know what kind of bloodsucker you'll find attached to your neck."

I regretted it the instant I said it.

The room fell silent. In the corner of my eye, I saw Nessie flinch. Crap. Until then, I'd never let a bloodsucker reference slip in front of her. No one moved an inch. They were all waiting for me. _Shit. They're waiting for me. Waiting for me to do what? How could I possibly undo it now? _My mind went blank. Come on, Jacob. Come on, come on, come on, come on….

And then the front door opened a crack and Edward slipped in.

My brain kicked back into gear.

"Nessie, I need to talk to you," I said, a little too loud.

"No, you need to talk to Bella," Edward said, taking one step toward me.

_Shut up, Edward._

"No, I need to talk to Nessie," I said through my teeth, my hands trembling slightly. Alice and Rosalie exchanged a look and both headed for the kitchen, leaving the four of us alone to cut through the tension.

"Guys, what's going on?" Bella stood and walked around the couch, stopping just two feet in front of me. Her sickeningly sweet scent wafted into my nose, stinging my nostrils. I held it in. I could taste the perfume in my mouth and feel it burning my throat. It was moving into my brain like a toxin. _Breathe out, Jacob. Just breathe out. Now. _This was our warning, our special way of detecting a vampire. I wasn't supposed to enjoy it this much. The scent was supposed to sting, to burn, to torment, to disgust… but hers was different. Hers burned, but it was the feeling you get when you take a shot of hard liquor. You know it's dangerous, you know you're taking a risk, you know you're going to regret it later. But none of that matters to you. It's all worth it. It's totally worth it, to endure the burning, just for a few more seconds…

Edward took another step toward me.

The air exploded from my lungs and out my mouth. I pushed past Bella and moved around the couch, stopping in front of Renesmee. _Nessie. _She's the one I'm supposed to be focusing on. Nessie. "Hey, you." I smiled down at her, holding out a hand. She smiled a beautiful little smile and took my hand hesitantly, rising from the couch. I kept my eyes on hers, though I could feel Edward's burning into me, trying his damndest to meet my gaze. With absolutely no intention of starting a staring contest, I fixed my eyes on the floor and started for the front door, pulling Nessie with me. _Come on, just make it out the door and then you can figure out what the hell you're going to do. Just get out that door. Eight more steps. Six more steps. Four—_

And then, before any other thought could register, her ice-cold fingers were wrapped around my upper arm. My brain stopped working. At that point in time, the only thing I was aware of was the thrilling shock of her icy fingers on my bare skin, numbing my muscles. I held my breath and turned to face her.

_Bella_. Bella's face, not even a foot away from mine. Bella's shockingly pale, smooth skin. Bella's eyes, not the rich and warm and comforting brown that they used to be, but a bright electric honey color that may start shooting sparks at any second. Bella's lips, full and red and slightly parted, her cool toxic breath washing over my face, just waiting to be breathed…

But I didn't breathe. I just stood there, waiting for her lips to move, for her eyes to spark, for the feeling in my arm to come back.

She loosened her grip on me. "Jake, just… don't do anything crazy." I really had no idea what the hell she was trying to tell me, but I nodded anyway. And that was when I saw it in her eyes. The fear. The absolute, crazed, worried panic that was creeping into her now that she realized what was about to happen between her best friend and her daughter. And the fact that she had to accept it, because it was what was supposed to happen. It was meant to be.

The hole in my chest throbbed. _Jesus, Bella, don't do this to me…_

I felt the muscles in my arm flex and watched my hand reach up toward her face, aching to smooth out her the lines above her brow and wipe away the panic.

Edward took one more step forward. My eyes met his and everything was over. Bella's fingers slipped away from my arm and warmth came flooding back. Edward's expression was pathetic and pleading.

_Enough. I'm sorry._

I tightened my grip on Nessie's hand and pushed past Edward, out the door and into the dark night.


	5. Part 1 Chapter 5

**Part 1 – Jacob Black**  
Chapter 5

I made my way into the forest for the fourth time that day, Nessie skipping alongside to keep up.

"Where are we going?" Her small voice pierced the darkness.

"I don't know," I told her. It was the truth. I was making things up as I went along. I was barreling forward with my eyes on the ground, never planning ahead. That was just my style.

A minute of silence passed.

"Ness, I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

For what. Jesus. Well, let's see. How about for insulting you and your entire family. For torturing your father. For being in love with your mother.

For not being in love with you.

"Just… everything," I muttered, unwilling to let my emotions creep into my voice or onto my face. I felt her eyes boring into me.

"It's okay, Jakey." She squeezed my hand a little. I looked over at her and forced a smile. She let her eyes linger on mine for a second then looked down to the ground.

We walked through the darkness until, suddenly, the trees ended and the forest opened up into a clearing. I led Nessie to the very center of the area and turned to face her, keeping her hand in mine. We were out of the trees, yet I still had a claustrophobic feeling, like I was trapped. The sky was just a flat dull wall of black, forming a thick dome around our little clearing.

What now?

She looked up at me, waiting for me to do something. Anything.

"Nessie, I…" Just go with it, Jake. Just go with the flow. "You know that you don't have to feel pressured into anything, right? I mean, everyone has these expectations of what's going to happen with us, but I want you to know that I don't expect you to do anything. I'm perfectly happy with how things are right now, you know? Right this very minute. And if you want to keep it that way, just let me know and I swear I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind one bit. If you're uncomfortable with—"

"Jake." She touched three tiny fingers to my lips.

"Yeah?"

Without speaking, she moved her hand away from my lips, over my chin, and rested it on my neck, allowing her thoughts to take over my mind.

Love.

Pure, overwhelming, devastating feelings of love.

"I love you too, Ness, more than you know." I pulled her into my arms, lifting her off the ground. Her skin was warm, almost as hot as mine. She reached up and placed a quick little kiss on my jaw line. I carefully lowered her to her feet and took a hard look at her face, trying to distinguish her expression in the darkness.

Just then, the clouds shifted and moonlight washed over everything. Her dark eyes gleamed. The light illuminated her skin and turned it powdery blue. Her blushing cheeks weren't pink, but a bruised indigo. She was smiling.

_It's now or never._

"This is it, Ness. Forever. It's you and me, okay?" I brushed a dark bronze curl away from her face and placed one hand against her cheek, the other against the small of her back. She stood there, smiling up at me, completely motionless, just waiting. Waiting for me to choose how the rest of our lives would go. Leaving it all up to me.

_Don't do it._

I'm going to do it.

_Don't freaking do it! She's leaving it up to you, run away! It's not right!_

It has to be right. It's meant to be.

_How can you say it's right when it feels this wrong?_

Because there's no other way. This is it for me. This is my only choice.

_That's not true and you know it…_

Before I could change my mind, I bent down and firmly pressed my lips to hers. They were soft and warm.

_Stop it._

Shit. This is wrong. This is my child. I raised her. She's my child.

_Then stop._

I didn't stop. We lowered ourselves onto the carpet of moss and weeds. I didn't stop. With trembling fingers I fumbled with the first button of her blouse. I didn't stop. I kissed her, slowly, uncertainly. She kissed me without any hesitation. She placed her hands against the back of my neck, relentlessly flooding her thoughts into my head so that it was impossible to ignore them, tying a rope around them and anchoring them to my brain.

And the whole time, just one thought was going through her mind, over and over, driving itself deeper and deeper into my head with every pulse, flowing into my heart, spilling into the gaping throbbing hole in my chest—

She was completely, irrevocably in love with me.

* * *

The windows in the little cottage were all dark. It was about three in the morning, but no one was home. I pushed the front door open and moved through the dark toward Renesmee's bedroom, carrying her in my arms like a sleeping child.

I placed her in bed and pulled the covers up. The clouds were threatening to take over the sky again, so the moonlight that was spilling in through the window was weak and diffused. It was just enough to make out the blurred lines of her features. A strand of hair lay over her parted lips and trembled each time she breathed out. I carefully pushed the curl aside and stood there for a while, just watching her chest evenly rise and fall.

Suddenly her breath caught and her eyelids fluttered. She was still asleep, but her forehead creased with sadness. She murmured my name.

"I'm here, Nessie," I whispered, tucking the blankets in tighter around her. I sat down on the edge of the bed and stroked her hair as gently as possible.

I do love her. Of course I do. I wasn't lying when I told her that. It's impossible to put into words just how much I love her. It seems impossible in the first place, to love someone as much as I love her. So I just couldn't understand why making this transition was so difficult. When you imprint on someone, making transitions becomes your life. You become whatever that person needs you to be at any given time.

So why is this one so freaking hard?

A few minutes later when her breathing had evened out again, I got up, kissed her forehead, and left the room without taking my eyes off her. The weak moonlight was almost completely gone now, and everything seemed to blend together in the darkness. Shapes became blurs and I was feeling my way through the small house to the front door when something stopped me.

"Jacob."

My stomach lurched.

I turned around to look at the source of the voice and barely made out a shadow sitting on the sofa, silhouetted against the window.

Her. Of course it was her.

"Hey, Bells."

"Where are you going?" she asked, shifting slightly on the couch.

"Home."

"Call me old-fashioned, but isn't it customary to spend the night afterwards?" She laughed, but it wasn't the one that sounded like tinkling bells. It was flat and dry and dull. It was so lifeless it almost hurt to hear it.

"Bells, let's not…"

"No, Jake, don't worry. I'm not mad anymore. I'm ok. Really. You just have to see it from my point of view. You just have to understand how difficult it is for me, knowing what you've done with my seven-year-old daughter." She wasn't ok. Her voice was rigid and sarcastic.

"Bella, I'd rather not talk about—"

"Oh no, please, feel free to give me the evaluation. Tell me how it was. Give me the scores. Of course, I can't promise you'll get through it in one piece."

"Bella, we didn't do it." There. I said it.

"Thanks for trying to spare my sanity, Jacob, but I know you well enough to know when you're lying."

"I don't care about your damn sanity right now, Bella. I'm telling you, _nothing happened_." She was off the couch and standing two feet in front of me before I could even blink.

"Nothing happened?" she whispered. Her electric eyes blazed through the darkness and searched my face for any trace of dishonesty.

"Nothing happened. I couldn't do it, Bella. We almost did it, but we didn't. I just couldn't freaking do it. There. You happy?" I waited for the relief to wash over her face, for her jaw to unclench, for the rage to leave her eyes.

No such luck.

"Am I happy?" Uh oh. "Did you just ask if I'm happy?" She took a step toward me, her face just inches away from mine, her sweet poisonous breath washing over me. "Jacob Black. You're telling me that my beautiful perfect daughter, who is supposedly your soul mate, is not good enough for you, and you're asking me if I'm _happy_?"

Oh, crap.

"Bells, that's not it at all…" The toxin was burning, pouring into my brain, clouding my senses.

"What is it then? What could possibly be the problem? Oh god, Jacob, I can't believe you're doing this to her after seven years. Seven years of taking care of her and protecting her and loving her and making sure no harm would ever come to her, all so you can just throw everything away. You were in it for the long haul, Jacob. You can't just bail out now. What could possibly be enough to destroy something like that?"

Did she expect an answer? Shit. I couldn't think straight. All I could think about was the sting, the exhilarating burn of her perfume on my throat. "It's just… hard to explain. I wish…" My words were slurring together. It was too much. "I wish I could explain it, Bella, I really do. I just can't. Not to you."

_Shouldn't have said that._

"What is that supposed to mean?" she hissed.

"Please don't do this right now, Bells… it's late, we'll talk about it in the morning."

"You are not leaving this room until you tell me exactly what it is that's keeping you away from my daughter."

"I can't! I can't tell you. All I can tell you is that I'm doing my best to get over it. It will just take a little time, that's all."

"Oh my god," she said, moving a hand over her lifeless heart. "Jacob, you're in love with someone else, aren't you?"

_Yeah, you._

"No, of course not."

"You're in love with someone else. That's the only way to explain it." The sun was starting to rise and her features were becoming clearer every second.

_This is going too far. Run. You can't think straight. You won't be able to talk your way out of this one. You're going to blow it._

"Bella, stop it."

"Jacob… I can't believe you. You're in love with someone else. You dirty _mutt." _I couldn't stop myself from flinching. She said the last word with so much hatred and hostility that, if I didn't know her any better, I would swear that she was going to rip my head off then and there.

"Bella, stop. _Please_." Everything in the room was turning gray. I wasn't sure if it was because of the sun rising in the sky or because of the venom fogging my brain.

If I could just explain it to her—just tell her everything—she would understand. I know she would. And then maybe she would realize that she loved me too…

_No, Jacob, STOP. Remember why you can't tell her. Remember how many people it would hurt. And remember that she loves Edward. She will always love Edward. You know that she will never love you like that ever again…_

"I can't believe it!" She was whispering, but it was so sharp and fierce that somehow it was a million times worse than yelling. "You're not even denying it! How can you do this to her? Just tell me who it is, Jacob. Who could possibly be so incredible that you would choose her over your _soul mate_?"

_You._

The pale gray light washed over her face and her flawless skin was the color of ashes. The electricity in her eyes melted away and I could see that they were full of suffering. It was agonizing. I felt sick. It was torturing me. The voice in my head was screaming at me to just leave, but I couldn't leave her like this. She wanted me to tell her who I was in love with. She _wanted _me to tell her. I had to tell her, to put her out of her misery…

_Jesus Christ, don't do it! You're going to ruin everything! You freaking idiot, RUN AWAY._

"Jacob, just say it!" Suddenly her fingers were clutching at my shoulders. The bitter cold of her skin flowed through my veins and I lost all sensation in my arms except for the thrilling coolness. All I could do was stand there, gazing at her frantic, agonized expression through a cloud of fog. The toxin was overtaking me and I couldn't fight it much longer.

Why does she want to know so badly? Why does it matter to her who I'm in love with? She must love me too. That's the only explanation. She loves me and she wants me to tell her that I love her too. She wants to hear me say that I'm in love with her.

_No. You're wrong._

"Jacob, you jerk, I hate you. I hate you so much. I know I'm right, so just tell me who you're in love with! Just say it! If you don't tell me who it is, I swear to God I'll—"

"Bella, I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU."


End file.
